Lammas 96

To My Community

To my community,

I have been feeling the need to formally thank the many members of the EarthSpirit/Pagan Community for the support and outpouring of love that I have received over the last year. It has been a wonderful time of challenges and growth. I want you to know how much each of you touched me. I hope that I don't overlook anyone; if I do, please forgive my faulty memory the gratitude is still there in my heart.

I want to thank: Phyllis, Bruce, Maeve Rhea, Bill, Moose, Penny, Francesca, Candace, Dick, Sea Fire & Shadowpath Grove, Nightwing & Tony, Phaedrus, Lyra, Jerrie, Brenna, Tisha, Cayte, Jon Kapsten, Mark, Jimi Two Feathers, Morwen, Imani , Dean, Christopher Hatton, Rich Wandel, BrightShadow, Inanna, Myrriah Lavin, Gawaine, Joan, Diane & David, Buffie, Merlin, Arana, Jennifer Moore, Seanne, Elspeth, Nybor, Betsy, Cyra, Jim, Karen, The Hawk Clan '95, the Solstice Sun customers, and several people who would prefer not to be mentioned (you know who you are).

In addition to the people in the community I want to thank my parents, my brother Dan, Suzanne, Joe, Becca, George, Irina, Jack, Cathy Reuben, Angie Dapery, ALANON, CoDA, and The Women's Protective Services of Framingham, especially my own support group, Allison, Sharon, and the District Attorney's Office of Concord.

The deepest gratitude goes to my magical family the Glainn Sidhr Order of Witches. You allowed me to find my own way. You pushed me when I needed to get help. You gave me support when I was down. You let me make mistakes so that I could learn and forgave me when I was difficult. You left me alone when I needed to learn that there is nothing to fear in being alone. You had faith in me. You were everything to me that a family could ever be expected to be and more. I love you.

There have been a lot of gifts that have aided my healing process; such as waking from my dreams with soft words spoken in answer to my questions and fears. One of the most unexpected was a phone call this April from my "ex-husband's" first wife. She shared with me her story of abuse, during her marriage to my "ex-husband". That hour long conversation, detailing police intervention, deceit, and other women, has been very important - allowing me to let go of the "mea culpa" mind set which was driven into me by my batterer.

There have been a lot of contradictory rumors going around the community that my family and friends have tried to parry, without responding to them publicly, in order to protect my privacy and allow me the time and space to heal. By doing this for me, they have been the target of a number of false, undeserved and even vicious rumors, accusations and threats. I have spent a long time trying to make a decision as to how I wanted to deal with these rumors. I have come to the conclusion that I need to come out about my former relationship; to hopefully end some of these rumors, and because I believe that if I had known from the beginning that other members of my community had experienced what I was experiencing I might have not felt so alone, ashamed, and isolated by the dark side of my relationship with my "ex-husband".

Yes, I have a restraining order against my "ex-husband", which I have just renewed for another year. I have no desire to have people see me as a victim, but an article in the Boston Phoenix this spring pushed me over an edge. It talked about the state of Massachusetts' plan to cut funding to relocate battered women, and the dilemma faced by counselors trying to decide which women were most at risk to be killed by their batterers, in order to prioritize the spending of significantly reduced funds. I know that these are only the cases that are reported. My case was not known about publicly until the end of the relationship, but there were times that I believed that I was going to die during the beatings which occurred over several years, some even at gatherings. My coven was aware of some of what was happening and had sent us to counseling. My job had intervened once by paying for a room and preventing me from going home one night after work, due to the facial distortion caused by one beating.

Yes, my relationship with my "ex-husband" included physical, sexual, emotional and psychic abuse. I am not saying that there weren't any good parts to that relationship, I wouldn't have been in it if there weren't good times to balance the bad, but the end result is that there are many difficult things that I have had to face about myself which allowed me to remain in the relationship as long as I did. This is an ongoing process.

I also want to make known that I asked for an open relationship early in the process, but was told by my "ex-husband" that they didn't work. I was then shoved across the floor over a sewing machine and went to that Rites of Spring with a huge bruise on my thigh. That was the beginning of the physical abuse, some of the worst of which required facial x-rays, ordered by my physician three days after the incident. Ironically, he also continually pointed out to me throughout our relationship, how other open relationships in my magical family made things worse, and that the other women involved in these HONEST open situations were each "just a mistress."

I want the women who were involved with my "ex-husband" to know that I used to dream about you sleeping with him, and when I would wake up and confront him with those dreams he would tell me it was my insane jealousy that created the dreams. When he finally validated all my dreams and intuitive feelings by admitting to sleeping with the long list of you, by name, it was hard to take in. Some of you had slept at my house, worked in the same magical group, performed with me in MotherTongue, and all are part of the same spiritual community in which we experience ourselves as sacred - part of the divine. Yet most of you would have unsafe sex with someone in a handfasted partnership without checking with the other partner. I wonder if you realize that you not only put your physical life at risk, but mine as well, not to mention our emotional and psychic well-being. I wonder if this is a pattern that is healthy in our community, and if not then what are guidelines for connection with people in committed relationships? I also want to make clear that I am grateful for the opportunities I have had in the last year to heal relationships with some of the women of the community, who were involved with my "ex-husband".

I was at a place last year where I felt a great deal of anger and disillusionment with my community. It is hard to find that so many people are deceptive or are in such a high degree of denial; but now I realize that we all have things to learn about ourselves, and sometimes that requires adversity. Know that if I have pulled away from you for my own protection, due to your connections with my "ex-husband", around whom I feel that I need a firm boundary, that I still care for you.

I am putting out information that I feel is very private and difficult , because I don't think it is healthy for the community to keep these issues secret the way they are kept in the patriarchal/mundane society that we hope to help heal and change. I want you to know that if you are in an abusive relationship like mine was, that you have my compassion and understanding. I am open to talking with you; though I don't profess to have answers for you. Those answers you will eventually find within yourself. I totally recommend and support the state funded Women's Protective Services as a place to start the healing process from abuse.

Thank you my community/tribe with your faults and your beauty. There is much wonder and magic in our connections.

Bright Blessings

MOIRA ASHLEIGH

I began writing this letter at Oimelc as part of my winter work, I finished the Final final draft just before I left for Rites of Spring. At Rites of Spring I was able to really open to the community and talk about these experiences at a discussion forum on violence in the community. I am grateful for that opportunity. I learned from others who had experience with patterns similar to mine, and I was touched by the elders, who came with open minds to be a part of a discussion that is often avoided in traditional society. I want to thank everyone who was part of that meeting, and I hold the hope that together we can make progress in setting community standards as well as finding new ways of healing the emptiness that allows such situations to grow.

"we are a tribal people, meant to live together, and that our joy comes when we work side by side, laughing together, learning from each other, savouring the journey."

MA